"Break..." Ha Ha!

It has been almost two weeks since I last posted. I was first confronted with Spring Break... haha, "break", that's funny! And now I've been sick this entire week. My hearing has been reduced to about 25% as well because of it. All I can do is hope that it doesn't become as severe as Brandin's, thus sending me to the ENT.

I met last week with a long list of things I wanted to get done since I was on "break." While I did accomplish quite a bit, it still wasn't everything I had hoped. The week was over before I knew it and it felt like I hadn't even relaxed at all. Saturday night we went over to our friends' house for a cookout. After the night was over and we were readying ourselves for bed, I could feel a weird pressure in the back of my throat and my inner ears. I woke up Sunday morning sick. It's progressed every day since then. As of yesterday, my hearing was drastically affected. This week I had created a long list of things I had to get done and I've completed all but two of them, and those two being the least important. The week is not over though, I plan on editing these two sessions tonight when I get home from work.

I had several photo shoots last week! It was very exciting and busy, busy, busy. After I clock out tonight, I'll be dropping off the disc to one of my clients. Submissions begin next week for Student Show, plus the rest of the end-of-the-semester projects are beginning. I know I shouldn't be taking on clients right now, but I'm still in the hunt!

We watched Jackass 3 two times over Spring Break. We had already seen it in theatres when it first came out. It's something I grew up with. It brings back such memories watching those boys. I remember being 15 or 16 when Jackass first debuted on MTV. These guys were a big part of my youth, it's like they were my friends as well. With reminiscence comes old memories that one perhaps doesn't want to remember, i.e. my ex. Life was all about him during that time and anything associated with it spurs those memories. It's not all bad though. Life moves on just as we all do. It's okay to let go. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Everyone makes mistakes. It's how we learn.

Getting What You Truly Need

I just finished reading an article on the Rock the Shot forums. It was in their Spotlight Photographer section and the artist was Jasmine Star. I loved the entire article and it was so informative, but the last bit is what got me. It spoke volumes to me. It was exactly what I needed to read and I stumbled upon it exactly when I needed it most. Here's an excerpt:

What is the best piece of advice you would give a new photographer who is just starting their own photography business?

When I think back to when I first started, I can’t help but feel sorry for that girl. The girl who didn’t trust herself enough to take bigger risks. Who didn’t dream big enough. Who limited herself by her own experience and other people’s estimations of what was possible.
If I could go back and tell the Jasmine Star of 2007 something, I’d whisper in her ear: Believe in what you know you can do. Trust your gut. Ignore the naysayers. Dream big, but hope for more.However, knowing myself back then, I would ignore the whisper…so then I’d grab me by the shoulders, give me a good shake, then holler straight in my face, SPRINT TOWARD WHAT YOU WANT AND DON’T EVER LOOK BACK. Ever.

Life as a Test

Life is a test, and yes, that is cliche, but it is true. If you don't practice and prepare and study for a course in school, you will not learn and more than likely, fail the exam. Life is the same way, in essence. Being the bigger person is a work in progress. It is not something that comes over night and it is not something that will be finite. I am a work in progress. The difference is that I am now aware of my actions and thoughts and attitudes. I control my reactions, or at least, I have the opportunity for control. In the end I have the knowledge that, while being the bigger person now may be a struggle and seem to be a slap in the face, it in fact, is not. I will benefit in the long run. The hard work will pay off and I will be a happier person for it. That doesn't mean I am going to allow people to walk all over me, but I am not going to let it dictate my life, either.

I may be a little naive in saying this, but I believe that those who are the people creating drama, hurting others, being selfish, and not caring to be the bigger person are going to be miserable underneath it all and lead less than happy lives. I'm not always happy, by any means, but my spirits are lighter as I practice being a better person, as I practice letting go of the trifles in life. This has been an eye opening of sorts for me because I have a very large temper and I am oftentimes impatient. It's a hefty task I've set out on, but I am already reaping the benefits.

The other day I was greatly upset by something small. It was trivial but it still hurt, nonetheless. I am still struggling with it and I am trying so hard to bite my tongue and channel my frustrations in a positive manner rather than confront this person on such a trivial matter. To me, it is not worth hurting another and I know it would, given the demeanor of this other person and given previous situations where I thought honesty to be the best policy. It still is, don't get me wrong, but there are times when you have to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. This time, I'm folding 'em, but I'm taking with me the knowledge that I am growing as a person and that I am a work in progress. There is an underlying reason why this person's actions, or lack thereof, hurt me so deeply. That requires internal investigation and it is something I am working on.

The One with Doubt

Sometimes I fear I am just a pseudo-photographer, a pseudo-artist. It really shakes me to my core. I think that is why I lack confidence. I think the two go hand in hand. Am I just lying to myself, really? I love it, yes, but can I do it? Am I good enough? I lack so much. I lack so much experience and skill. Am I one of those photographers/artists? The ones I can't stand? Do I dislike them so much because I secretly am one of them? Of course all of my friends and family will immediately come to my defense and smooth things over, saying I'm so great, so talented, and blah blah blah. But really, what do they know? I mean that in the kindest way, also. I don't mean that in a snobbish or derogatory way. But really... they're not artists. As I type this, I know it sounds beyond elitist, but it is really not my intention to come off that way. I just can't think of a better way to phrase it. Not everyone is an artist. Not everyone is a photographer. Not everyone has the same creative eye. Not everyone will understand the creative process and what is good vs. bad. A lot of people will just want to quell my fears and tell me I'm good enough. I know they mean well, and I do appreciate what they're trying to do. Some of them are credible, don't get me wrong, but the vast majority are just saying it because it's PC and they want to cheer me up. I thank them for that, but in cases like these, I prefer honesty. I know I'm definitely not the greatest. I know I don't have much experience at all. I know I am still beyond uncomfortable behind the lens, even though I love it at the same time.

I know it's a learning process. I know it will come in time with experience and practice, trial and error. I know. That doesn't do anything to satiate the inner turmoil and fear that I'm just not good enough. I guess all I can do is continue pressing that button and framing that image. Keep pressing on (pun intended) until one day, I feel a little better. Until one day, I don't feel so out of place, so self-critical, so questioning. I'll admit, I chip slowly away at it each time I have a session, but it's still there. I'm working with toothpicks, trying to dismantle the Great Wall of China.

A Day of Fail

Yesterday seemed to be a day full of Murphy's Laws, or what I like to call, FAILS. They were minimal at first and if one didn't look closely, almost unrecognizable. It started off early in the morning as I headed to my Latin class. I was day dreaming as I drove through the addition. There are many entrances/exits to our addition and for some reason unbeknownst to me, I took the wrong one. Instead of going straight down my road, I turned right. I laughed at myself after I passed the first block, "really? Idiot!" I had two options: I could find a place to turn around and drive through the addition or I could keep going and go out to the main road and have to fight through traffic. I took option A, which in all honesty, took probably the same amount of time since there is an elementary school beside our addition. It wasn't a big deal, I was just a few minutes late to class. The teacher didn't care and I still had a decent parking space.

The next fail came around 4:50pm when I was counting down the minutes to the end of my shift at 5pm. I hadn't felt well all day and I just wanted to go home and curl up with my recently acquired LOTR book. I don't know what made me think of it, but I suddenly realized that it was Friday and my shift ended at 6pm, not 5. I can't explain the level of disappointment and anger I felt toward myself. I don't really know why I thought it was 5, that's not really important. So I had to find a way to pass yet another hour. I had a few customers but they were self-sufficient so I was left to myself. I walked around, stocked a few things, and watched tv. I love TBS reruns: Everybody Loves Raymond, According to Jim, The Office, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Those are what I look forward to on Friday afternoons.

It was shortly after my work fail that I suddenly thought to myself, "oh no, did I put on deodorant this morning? I can't tell. I can't remember. Did I?" I still don't remember if I did, lol.

And now for the big one, the one that kept me at the alley for two more hours.

After mom and Jeff got there, I gathered my things, clocked out, and said my goodbyes. I settled my things in my car, strapped on my seatbelt, turned up npr and made my way down the street. I decided to go straight down the side street instead of turning off onto the main street; I like to do this because I get to look at a house that is Rent-to-Own and near the alley. I like to dream, basically. As I pass the house, I suddenly hear this massively loud thud/popping/snapping noise under my feet and it was strong enough that it made me jump and actually vibrated my feet. I thought, what the hell? I know I didn't see anything in front of me as I drove. Maybe I did run over something and it hit my undercarriage. I looked in the rearview mirror. Nothing. There was nothing in the road, anywhere, including potholes. My next thought was that maybe some of the lowlifes that live across the street had thrown something at my car. That was a stretch, but I had no idea what it was. My car still felt normal, so I kept driving for a block or two. I noticed my left wheel felt wobbly or uneven; I thought maybe my tire had popped. I decided to turn around in a parking lot and head back to the alley. As I turned, that's when the popping began again. Great. It IS my car. I make it back to the alley and run inside. I tell mom and Jeff the story and he comes outside to try to see. In the mean time, I'm texting and calling Brandin with no answer. Talk about annoying. He was at work so I could understand, but still. It was almost a half hour later before I got a hold of him.

Jeff couldn't see anything when we went outside. He texted his friend, Bill, to have him come up and look at it. He's not a trained mechanic, but he always does all of his own work and would probably be able to tell me what was going on. The problem was, he was still in Ohio, so we had to wait for him to get there. I ended up calling Andru, who then called his mom because she was with Domingo, her ex and also the "family mechanic" who does all of our work. He kept saying it sounded like a spring, but all of the things he had me look at and the "testing" he had me do, nothing acted in a way it would if the spring had broken. Finally Bill got there at the same time Brandin did, around 7:30pm. He messed with it for a long while and drove it around the block. Finally he came back and said it's either a tie rod, which had been previously mentioned (however, the wheels were fine), or a rack and pinion. One is expensive, one is not. He said he's leaning toward the rack and pinion, which is the expensive problem.

Of course. I've had nothing but bad luck with this car. It would take another entry to list all of the issues I've had with it.

We decide to take it to mom and Jeff's instead of leaving it at the alley. I took my camera and laptop out of the car after I parked it in the driveway and we headed home.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next. I have to have Andru take me to get his truck since it's at his mom's, and then I have to use it to drive to work today. Tomorrow I have the Brookside photoshoot in which I'll have to borrow Brandin's truck. I don't have a way of towing the car, so I'm not sure how to get it to Domingo. It's drivable, I just don't feel safe doing so, considering it's about 20 miles from home. Something has to be done though. We can't survive on one vehicle. We don't have the money for this, either. On top of that, Brandin has to go see an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist, which is going to be in the hundreds of dollars just for the visit and testing alone. He might need surgery. And he has problems with his car (I can't remember what it's called) but we're looking at $1000 plus. So now we're back to considering trading it in.

Oh, and did I mention we're both full time college students and work part time jobs that are just enough to cover our monthly bills and pay for gasoline? Yay, higher education. At least in the fall, I have a better opportunity to get another/different job and work during the week since I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

What a day of fail. I maintained my cool for the most part up until the car issue. Then I just wanted to cry. I still kind of do, really, lol. And to add to the fun mix, we have four big birthday parties scheduled today again, so there isn't going to be any resting or lull time at work. At least I am off at 5 today! Wait, is it 5? 6? Kidding, I know it's five. I'm counting down already and I'm not even at work.

Here's hoping the Day of Fail was unique to only yesterday.

It's Okay to Unfriend!

There comes a time when you have to make the decision to cut someone out of your life. This can be a painful process or it can be an easy decision. What is important to realize is that if someone is constantly dragging you down, there is something you can do about it. I know that may be easier said than done when it comes to a family member or someone close to you, but it can be done. I've done it. Sometimes it is easier when it is a person on a website such as Facebook or even Open Diary. I made that decision just moments ago. I had been mulling it over in my head ever since the person first offended me. I mentally made a list and realized that every single interaction I have had with this person has put me on edge. It has been offensive, sexist, racist, judgmental, close-minded, and all sorts of other negative -isms. 

Todays remark was the last straw. I read it on Facebook just before my Public Speaking class this morning. The details aren't important, though those of you on my Facebook list might know what I'm referencing. I read this person's comment and I instantly saw red. I was fuming. I could feel a black shroud of darkness fall over me. The weight came crashing down on my shoulders. I could literally feel the anger and negativity in my muscles. I spewed a thousand different comments out all at once and then retracted them. I ended up leaving only two words before class had began. I thought off and on about it throughout most of the class. (I can still feel the tension in my shoulders and neck now as I talk about it). Moments before class ended, it dawned on me: I don't have to be friends with this person. I don't have to allow him to remain on my Facebook Friends List. I am not required to have any interaction with this person, ever. He is a friend of a mutual friend. I have no ties to him. I realized that if this person is creating such a massive amount of negative energy and is sapping the life right out of me when we interact, then something needs to be done. 

There is no reasoning with a person like this. There is no point in arguing my stance. There is no use trying to change a person of this nature. All attempts are futile. People like this are poison. Poison. How do I know this? I could feel it. I knew it when I realized my entire mood drastically changed when we had any type of interaction. All communication we had was negative. Always. There is no embellishment to that statement, I promise you.

So I took the first step I needed to take in order to rid myself of such negativity. As soon as I got home, I unfriended him from Facebook. I mulled it over for another ten minutes and then decided to Block him all together. I don't know him very well and I don't know if he would try to message me or contact me in another way, but I don't want to ever speak to him again, regardless. I don't need people like that in my life. No one does. They're infectious and harmful. I have to do everything I can to be a happy and positive person. I struggle with negativity myself. I don't need to compound the negativity of others on top of my own. Luckily I have become more conscious of my negativity and I am learning ways to channel it or block others from it.

I think sometimes we are afraid to delete or block a person from accessing our lives, whether it be in person or online. I think we are used to being told to just "deal with it." I know I was. That's why this realization was so important to me and that's why I feel it's important to talk about it. We have the ability to choose who we allow in our lives and even more so, we have the ability to choose how a person affects us and influences us.

I am a work in progress. I am constantly working on myself. I try to surround myself with other happy people in order to help me learn how to be happy and more positive and optimistic. When you are constantly surrounded by negative people, you will become infected. Even if it is just one negative person, it will spread, in some form or another, to everyone that person comes in contact with. The levels of severity range, of course, but we need to be conscious of it. We need to be conscious of ourselves and our moods and attitudes and be conscious of others as well.

I guess what I'm getting at is that this may be common sense to a lot of you, and really, it should be, but it was an epiphany of sorts for me. I choose what happens in my life and who stays in my life. It's okay to rid yourself of the negative. It's how you survive and learn to be happy. And I made a step toward that today.