The One with Doubt

Sometimes I fear I am just a pseudo-photographer, a pseudo-artist. It really shakes me to my core. I think that is why I lack confidence. I think the two go hand in hand. Am I just lying to myself, really? I love it, yes, but can I do it? Am I good enough? I lack so much. I lack so much experience and skill. Am I one of those photographers/artists? The ones I can't stand? Do I dislike them so much because I secretly am one of them? Of course all of my friends and family will immediately come to my defense and smooth things over, saying I'm so great, so talented, and blah blah blah. But really, what do they know? I mean that in the kindest way, also. I don't mean that in a snobbish or derogatory way. But really... they're not artists. As I type this, I know it sounds beyond elitist, but it is really not my intention to come off that way. I just can't think of a better way to phrase it. Not everyone is an artist. Not everyone is a photographer. Not everyone has the same creative eye. Not everyone will understand the creative process and what is good vs. bad. A lot of people will just want to quell my fears and tell me I'm good enough. I know they mean well, and I do appreciate what they're trying to do. Some of them are credible, don't get me wrong, but the vast majority are just saying it because it's PC and they want to cheer me up. I thank them for that, but in cases like these, I prefer honesty. I know I'm definitely not the greatest. I know I don't have much experience at all. I know I am still beyond uncomfortable behind the lens, even though I love it at the same time.

I know it's a learning process. I know it will come in time with experience and practice, trial and error. I know. That doesn't do anything to satiate the inner turmoil and fear that I'm just not good enough. I guess all I can do is continue pressing that button and framing that image. Keep pressing on (pun intended) until one day, I feel a little better. Until one day, I don't feel so out of place, so self-critical, so questioning. I'll admit, I chip slowly away at it each time I have a session, but it's still there. I'm working with toothpicks, trying to dismantle the Great Wall of China.